1badjedi
11-26-10, 01:57 AM
found this among a list of movie hero's that sucked at their job. :lol:
#2. Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars
Oh shit, we went there.
Why He Should Be Good At His Job:
He has telekinetic powers, can outrun a '69 Camaro, kick heroin in a day and deflect lasers using an even bigger laser... all while sporting the burliest beard this side of Kashyyyk.
He's Obi-Wan-Goddamn-Kenobi, and if it hadn't been for that Jedi vow of celibacy, he would've been all over more coed rump than butterfly tattoos.
Why He Sucked At It:
The entire Star Wars series is one long story of Obi-Wan falling asleep at the wheel. Despite all his vaunted Force and beard powers, Obi-Wan fails to prevent almost every major tragedy in the franchise's history.
Let's start with a critique of his precognitive Jedi mind tricks. In The Phantom Menace, Obi-Wan rightly calls that training Anakin Skywalker is a very bad idea. Even Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson concur, and when the most badass man and Muppet in the universe agree with you, you know damn well you're onto something.
Had Obi-Wan just Force-punted the brat from Jingle All The Way out a window right then and there, we would've been spared two films of Hayden Christensen (and treated to three new films of Han and Chewie: Intergalactic Party Cruisers). But no, he takes Anakin under his wing and adopts a million-man clone army along the way.
Oh, and did we mention that all the clones are of Jango Fett, the murderous bounty hunter who tried to kill Obi-Wan multiple times? Doesn't he notice that cloning the galaxy's deadliest hitman a bazillion times over is a totally Sithy thing to do?
Well, when Anakin and the clone army inevitably start killing everybody, Obi-Wan finally gets his shit together long enough to lop 75 percent of Anakin's limbs off. And instead of ending the whiny Sith, Obi-Wan leaves.
He just fucking leaves the scene.
Come on, Obi-Wan, it's Darth Vader! He chopped up a hundred younglings just hours earlier! Also, it's not against the Jedi Code to mercy kill someone if he's slowly and painfully burning to death. Obi-Wan just trots off, leaving Vader wiggling around like a grilled Vienna sausage for the Emperor to find, repair and turn into a cybernetic James Earl Jones.
Obi-Wan's contingency plan is even more inept. When Darth Vader comes back to bite him in the ass, Obi-Wan picks the worst alias possible. Did he really think hiding as "Ben" Kenobi, the guy living down the road from Darth Vader's relatives on Darth's home planet of Tatooine was going to fool anyone?
We're not sure who's more incompetent: Obi-Wan (whose pseudonym included his last name) or the Empire (which--with its nigh unlimited resources--should've found Kenobi in 20 minutes, not 20 years).
#2. Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars
Oh shit, we went there.
Why He Should Be Good At His Job:
He has telekinetic powers, can outrun a '69 Camaro, kick heroin in a day and deflect lasers using an even bigger laser... all while sporting the burliest beard this side of Kashyyyk.
He's Obi-Wan-Goddamn-Kenobi, and if it hadn't been for that Jedi vow of celibacy, he would've been all over more coed rump than butterfly tattoos.
Why He Sucked At It:
The entire Star Wars series is one long story of Obi-Wan falling asleep at the wheel. Despite all his vaunted Force and beard powers, Obi-Wan fails to prevent almost every major tragedy in the franchise's history.
Let's start with a critique of his precognitive Jedi mind tricks. In The Phantom Menace, Obi-Wan rightly calls that training Anakin Skywalker is a very bad idea. Even Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson concur, and when the most badass man and Muppet in the universe agree with you, you know damn well you're onto something.
Had Obi-Wan just Force-punted the brat from Jingle All The Way out a window right then and there, we would've been spared two films of Hayden Christensen (and treated to three new films of Han and Chewie: Intergalactic Party Cruisers). But no, he takes Anakin under his wing and adopts a million-man clone army along the way.
Oh, and did we mention that all the clones are of Jango Fett, the murderous bounty hunter who tried to kill Obi-Wan multiple times? Doesn't he notice that cloning the galaxy's deadliest hitman a bazillion times over is a totally Sithy thing to do?
Well, when Anakin and the clone army inevitably start killing everybody, Obi-Wan finally gets his shit together long enough to lop 75 percent of Anakin's limbs off. And instead of ending the whiny Sith, Obi-Wan leaves.
He just fucking leaves the scene.
Come on, Obi-Wan, it's Darth Vader! He chopped up a hundred younglings just hours earlier! Also, it's not against the Jedi Code to mercy kill someone if he's slowly and painfully burning to death. Obi-Wan just trots off, leaving Vader wiggling around like a grilled Vienna sausage for the Emperor to find, repair and turn into a cybernetic James Earl Jones.
Obi-Wan's contingency plan is even more inept. When Darth Vader comes back to bite him in the ass, Obi-Wan picks the worst alias possible. Did he really think hiding as "Ben" Kenobi, the guy living down the road from Darth Vader's relatives on Darth's home planet of Tatooine was going to fool anyone?
We're not sure who's more incompetent: Obi-Wan (whose pseudonym included his last name) or the Empire (which--with its nigh unlimited resources--should've found Kenobi in 20 minutes, not 20 years).